By the point we’re performed, I’m fully spent. I’ve by no means felt so exhausted in my life earlier than. I’m on the sting of chafing, and although we’re positively performed, the intercourse marathon lastly over, his arms nonetheless don’t go away my physique. Even when his breath goes regular and he’s asleep, he’s nonetheless touching me.

The clock glows crimson on the bedside desk. It’s a bit previous 4 within the morning.

I’ve to be at work in two hours.

“Shit,” I whisper to myself. He doesn’t stir. Some self-loathing rolls into my throat as I believe again on what I simply did, however I can’t let myself go down that street. I loved having intercourse with him and that’s positive—it doesn’t make me a nasty particular person. I nudge him a bit, simply to see if he reacts, however there’s nothing.

I slip away from bed and collect up my garments. I don’t understand how I really feel. Unusual, like I’m not myself, but additionally completely happy and spent. I pull on my bra and costume at the hours of darkness. I’m nonetheless carrying the necklace—it’ll need to be cleaned as a result of I’m fairly certain he acquired cum on it. Nana won’t ever discover out. I take advantage of the bathroom in complete silence then stand subsequent to the mattress, staring on the Rolex discarded on the ground subsequent to his sneakers.

It’s proper there.

The watch I got here right here for.

I simply loved a couple of hours of sin, fucking, sucking, getting fucked, using, mainly doing each filthy factor I’ve ever imagined, and that’s my reward. That watch can save my life. Saul’s dick was nice for a couple of hours, however that watch means a lot extra. It’s hire, it’s meals, it’s drugs. It’s the whole lot.

I don’t need it.

This room feels gross now. All that intercourse, solely to nonetheless be proper again the place I used to be earlier than I met him. Poor, determined, pathetic sufficient to steal from a stranger. It doesn’t matter if the cash isn’t for me. No person’s going to really feel sorry for some loser lady from a crappy household with a nugatory sob story. However at this level, I’ve gotten excellent at taking all my disgrace and shoving it deep down inside me, hidden away, buried underneath obligations and stress.

Nana wants the cash. Jason wants it much more. If I don’t take that watch, they’ll endure. And all for what? As a result of I’m too proud? As a result of Saul fucked me so good I’m ruined for different males eternally?

None of that issues.

I nonetheless don’t need to take the watch. Stealing from him now would imply the final word transgression and it might imply that I’m formally too far gone to be salvaged.

Saul stirs. He takes a breath and rolls onto his facet, away from me. Virtually giving me tacit permission, like in sleep he’s letting this occur.

A man like him gained’t miss a watch. He in all probability has a dozen extra similar to it. However to me, that watch is the whole lot. It’s the distinction between making hire for the following few months and having the ability to afford Nana’s and Jason’s medicines.

I bend over and choose it up.

Saul doesn’t transfer as I flip away, go away his bed room, hurry out the entrance door, and summon an Uber with my telephone. I get the most cost effective one accessible. The watch seems like lead in my small clutch as I head again dwelling.

Tonight taught me one thing essential. There’s no such factor as all-time low. There’s no such factor as a hell beneath it.

As a result of there’s at all times a method to get even decrease.

Chapter 5

Saul

She’s gone within the morning. I anticipated it, however I’m disillusioned. I’ve by no means been with a girl like I used to be together with her. What we did that evening left a mark on me, not simply the bite-marks and the hickey on my neck, however a stain in my reminiscence.

I can’t cease serious about her.

It barely even bothers me after I notice my watch is lacking.

Her identify rings by way of my mind. Molly, Molly, Molly. Just like the refrain to a music I’m attempting to recollect. Molly’s lips, Molly’s tongue, Molly’s exhausting nipples, Molly’s moans.

She set expectations, however someday across the third orgasm, I forgot all about them.

However she’s gone. I attempt to discover her, spend a couple of days hounding all of the native Irish bars for a reasonably redhead named Molly, and I discover a couple of half dozen. None of these women are her. I don’t need any of them. If my brothers discover something’s off, they don’t point out it. Renzo’s busy working the Famiglia, Gian’s too head over heels in love with Allegra, and Carlo’s tumbling down his personal gap pursuing his silly, petty revenge. The man will get shot one time, and he thinks each single Russian and all their Irish buddies need to die for it.

In the meantime, I’m struggling with out her.

That’s melodramatic. I’m conscious. And I’m not usually an emotional man. However I discover myself again on the Sterling Duck, ignoring the stares, respiratory within the cigar stench and the vomit reek, however she by no means seems.

“You’ve acquired to cease coming right here.” Dante’s ready for me one evening two months after Molly modified me.

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